Stage One: Feedback And Responsibility

Drinker: Asks you to purchase alcohol for them.
Response: You should refuse.
Reason: If the drinker is to drink then they must take responsibility for all aspects of their drinking including purchase of drink.

Drinker: Asks you to purchase alcohol for them.
Response: You should refuse.
Reason: If the drinker is to drink then they must take responsibility for all aspects of their drinking including purchase of drink.

Drinker: Hides drink around the house.
Response: Leave the drink exactly where you find it.
Reason: If you throw the drink away, or even leave it there but point out that you have found it, then you are interfering with the direct consequences of the drinking
behaviour.

It may seem contradictory that you should refuse to purchase alcohol, but should leave it there when you find it in the house. These responses are consistent with each other because it is NOT your immediate aim to stop the drinker drinking. It is your aim simply to 'distance' yourself as far as possible from the drinking-related behaviour. Effectively you must allow your drinker to 'dig his/her own hole', until such time they start to contemplate that the problems may be due to their drinking, or/and they indicate that they may be ready to seek help for this.

Drinker: Leaves his/her crashed car at the scene of the crash and arrives home clearly
drunk (but uninjured). Asks you to say that you were driving if the police arrive.
Response: You should refuse to do this.
Reason: The drinker must be allowed to experience the consequences of the drinking behaviour.

Drinker: Locks the door and hides when hearing the police arrive outside.
Response: Do not interfere: Do your best to watch the television and ignore the situation. Avoid interfering by opening the door, if you feel this is appropriate.
Reason: Allow the consequences to occur as much as is possible as if you were not involved in any way.

Of course, there will be a limit to how long you are able to tolerate drinking-related behaviour without taking proactive action of some kind. I mentioned two examples above - leaving or calling the police if you are at risk of violence, calling an ambulance if the drinker's life appears to be at immediate risk. Equally, the long-term effects of this behaviour on your own self-esteem and life in general may eventually become too much to ware.

Drinker: Falls asleep on the sofa and is incontinent during the night.
Response: Do not help the drinker clean him/herself; do not wash the sofa.
Reason: Allow the drinker to experience the consequences of his/her behaviour without interfering..

Problem: How long can you carry on like this?

If you are living with your drinker, eventually you may feel that you have no option other than to leave. Day-in, day-out for years, you will have experienced the consequences of this person's behaviour, and there is only so much anyone can take. If you do decide to leave, and despite everything you still wish to help the drinker, then you should leave making it clear that you are doing this only because you can no longer tolerate the consequences of the drinking. Do not blame the person themselves - do blame the drinking. Make it clear that it is only the drinker that can do something about this, and that if they wish to seek help you will be available to support them in doing this - but only if it is they who make the first move, and then continue to make further moves.

Next page .. Stage Two: Empathy And Self-Efficacy - Empathy

Motivate Someone To Seek Help For Alcoholism index

The above information is copyright of Dr Bruce Trathen MBBS MRCPsych (2006). ISBN 0-9545164-0-0. The author grants permission for these guidelines to be downloaded, copied and distributed freely, but does not grant permission for their sale.