Stage One: Feedback And Responsibility
If someone is going to make changes to their alcoholic behaviour they must first accept that it is their responsibility to make these changes and no-one else's if this is to occur. Others may support and advise, but it is the person with the problem that has to take the ultimate responsibility for actually making those changes. This applies to most situations in life. Of course, changes in behaviour can sometimes be enforced through the use of physical force or threats. In your situation, you will have to use more subtle techniques.
It is so easy for all of us to get into the habit of thinking that our problems are actually someone else's problems. This is not purely related to alcoholic behaviour. However, it tends to be exaggerated in alcoholism due to the subconscious drive of the alcoholic to keep drinking at all costs. As a helper, you should accept that the drinker is driven to deny that drinking is a problem by subconscious influences beyond his or her direct control. Equally, they are likely to be highly defensive about admitting to any other kind of problem in life - just in case this is used as a 'way in' to confront them with their drinking problem. If you wish to motivate the drinker to accept that they might have a problem, then you will not judge them for this tendency to deny. It really is beyond their direct personal control at this stage.
However, you must never allow the drinker's determination and need to convince you that they have no problem, to lead you to believe that it is your problem. If the drinking is causing problems, then these problems are ALWAYS the responsibility of the person that lifts the bottle towards their mouth. In fact, if that person is to make real progress in sorting out their life, then they should really start to take responsibility for ALL the problems in their life, whether or not these are directly related to drinking.
When I say this, I do not mean that there should be any sense of blame or fault attached. Everyone has problems, even though some might like to convince you otherwise. Problems are simply a part of life. And there is no need to apportion blame. The act of blaming someone for a problem is really the same as saying "I can't do anything to change that problem; I can't sort it out because it's their fault - it's them that must do something about it, not me." If the drinker fails to take personal responsibility for sorting out problems in their life, then in time these problems will build up and place them at risk of a return to drinking as a means of escape.
If you are to motivate your drinker to contemplate the possibility that they might wish to seek help for their drinking, then you will have to lead them to start to take personal responsibility for their actions. You will achieve this by modifying your own behaviour, as well as through conversation (see above - feedback).
Next page .. Stage One: Responsibility - Behaviour
Motivate Someone To Seek Help For Alcoholism index
The above information is copyright of Dr Bruce Trathen MBBS MRCPsych (2006). ISBN 0-9545164-0-0. The author grants permission for these guidelines to be downloaded, copied and distributed freely, but does not grant permission for their sale.
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